by Tina Laws | Jul 18, 2018 | Thoughts
As nurturers, we can become so fixated on everything and everyone else, that we forget to take care of our own needs first. From the minute we wake up in the morning, until we close our eyes at night, we are consumed with stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with us.
Tomorrow, I want you to start your day with an early morning prayer, devotion, meditation, or quiet time. Whatever suits your lifestyle, do it. During lunch, spend at least 15 minutes of alone time and do absolutely nothing. Put your phone on mute, tell your husband, wife, significant other, co-workers and friends that you do not want to be disturbed for this period. If you know they are going to disregard your request, unplug the phone in advance, and do not tell them where you will be for this period.
At night, after you have completed your chores, make sure you spend another 15-30 minutes of alone time to collect your thoughts. This will allow you to reflect on your day, plan for tomorrow and clear your mind before you go to sleep.
I promise you, if you are intentional about spending time on self, before you know it it will become a habit.
I learned this the hard way. I used to think that I had to be everything for everyone until that day, when I woke up emotionally and physically burned out. I was now in a position of needing someone else to get me back on track. A therapist. From that day onward, I decided that no matter what came my way, I will only do what I can emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially to help others. I made a commitment to myself that I will be first in my life. Yes, I will do anything for my husband and children, but only after I was satisfied emotionally and spiritually first.
We are only as useful to others as we are to self. Make you a priority today! Before you know it, you will be birthing long lost dreams, completing or furthering your education, losing those extra pounds, rekindling your relationship, etc.
As nurturers, everyone depends on us. As off today, I want you to commit to putting self first. You are depending on it.
Signed
Redeemed nurturer
by Tina Laws | Jul 16, 2018 | Thoughts
Earlier today while speaking with a client, she informed that although seeking to make personal changes in her life, she feels stuck because her 23 year old son depends on her financially. She further explained that although she has provided him with potential employment opportunities, he always seems to get overlooked. She believed this to be the case as he failed to completed senoir school. As I listened to her, I can hear the frustration in her voice as she elaborated on how much he eats, drinks, watches television all day and does very little around the house.
Immediately, I asked her plans of moving past this point. In a loud voice she said, ” I’ve never even thought about it. I just know that I cannot and I will not do this anymore. It’s my turn.” There it was, a decision. As I allowed her to give me her action plan, I was quickly reminded of how we as parents put so much of our needs, wants and desires aside for our young and adult children. Does this really help them? When does one decide enough is enough?
I believe that as a parent, it is our duty to raise them to be productive citizens in society and provide them with the essentials to survive in the world (God, chores, education, faith, morals, respect, etc). However, as they become adults things may change. They start forming into individuals with their own personalities, needs, wants and desires. Some follow our blue print, while others don’t.
I recently put my life on hold for one of my children to which did not line up with any of my plans. However, throughout this process, I have learned that as parents it is our duty to hold them accountable for their actions, good, bad or indifferent. Its called love when we support them. It’s also called love when we can finally say no more and enjoy our life after raising them to become adults.
As we wrapped up our session today, my client asked that I post this topic in hopes of prompting a conversation about it.
Signed
Mom’s job done
by Tina Laws | Jul 13, 2018 | Thoughts
Taking a risk can often be very scary. However, if you don’t push through your fears and circumstances, you may never know the outcome.
The other day while out and about, I was asked by a very prestigious individual, what it was that I do for a living. This individual is well known in the European community for their outstanding works and service. They are also of a different culture, race, socioeconomic background, and belief. Me knowing this, I automatically became nervous and almost swallowed my tongue. As I instantly felt that what I do for a living, would not matter to them.
News flash! About one second after she asked, I remembered, that I only have one shot to make a good impression, so I answered her. Little did I know, that she, along with others in the room would take such a liking to my boldness, charisma and passion.
As a result, I am now on a new journey to fulfill my ultimate passion in life.
Lesson: Never discredit who you are, where you’ve been and where you would like to go. Ears are always listening. So, go and take that risk.
Sincerely,
Trusting God
by Tina Laws | Jul 9, 2018 | Thoughts
Yesterday, while having a heart to heart conversation with my adult daughter, I realized something. It was time to let go of the steering wheel and sit in the back seat of her vehicle, and watch and guide her (when she asks) as she drives. Our conversation started as, ” Brit, I really didn’t appreciate how you handled that situation.” Her answer was, ” mom, it’s how I feel, and there is nothing you can say to change my feelings about the matter.” It was at that moment, I realized that I was transferring all of my fears, doubt and past failures onto her. Further, if she was going to learn by what I deemed a mistake, she will have to be allowed to take full ownership over them.
As we agreed to disagree, I became teary eyed as I thought about all that I have done for her to avoid making my past mistakes. Or, any mistakes period! However, I was quickly reminded that although I too am close to my mom, and valued what she has taught me, I made my own decisions in my early twenties that was both rewarding and painful.
As parents, we tend to create a space of transference with our children (adults now lol) that, ultimately, can hinder their progress. While I have always taught, and lectured my children about being independent, a leader, loving, kind, non-judgemental, self sufficient, God fearing etc, I tend to take the steering wheel as soon as I think they are heading towards a mistake. Well, what last night showed me was, as a supportive parent, I have to trust that I have equipped my daughter with the necessary tools to survive in life.
Although I do not agree with her stance on the matter, I will respect her decision. Her life journey is her life journey, not mines. As she explores this journey called life, I will remember that part of who I am today, is as a result of making many mistakes.
The hardest part about parenthood, is watching our children’s journey from the back seat of their vehicle; praying and waiting for them to ask us for guidance. Mistake or not, we want to be a part of every journey (over bearing is what my daughter calls it. LOL).
One day, she too, will display transference towards her children. Only then, will she understand and truly appreciate what I was trying to save her from.
Being a parent does not warrant us the right to transfer our fears, doubts and past failure over to our children. Respecting their decisions, whether we believe, right or wrong, is all a part of building and maintaining a healthy relationship.
Yours Truly
Back Seat Mom
by Tina Laws | Jul 6, 2018 | Thoughts
For the past 10 years I have struggled to maintain my 130 pounds weight. Since being diagnosed with hypothyroidism in 2008, while in University, I have been on an uphill journey to get the weight off and keep it off. No matter what diet and exercise plan I choose, the weight refuses to leave me alone. I am 100% certain that my hypothyroidism was a result of many years of stress and holding on to that dirty little secret.
From the hair shedding, to brittle nails, feeling extreme tiredness, anemia, fluctuation of mood, and memory lapses, I remained determined to take control over my life. According to my doctors (yes, I saw a few), I will be taking hypothyroidism medication for the rest of my life; and continue to experience the various symptoms.
However, in 2016, after removing my mask and speaking to the world about an issue that was very personal to me (so I thought), I decided that I will no longer allow my diagnosis to hold me hostage. You see, at that moment, I realized that I was no longer keeping that dirty secret of domestic violence. I was no longer a victim. I was a victor! Sincewhich, I have applied that approach to my life. I have decided to face every obstacle head on and conquer it one step at a time (sometimes I take 3 steps at once lol).
Although I continue to struggle to leave those snickers chocolates alone, I am commited to working out daily and a healthier lifestyle.
I say all of this to encourage you to approach your challenge head on. Whatever you may be struggling with, know that there is an answer. Sometimes the answer may just be to go on a strict diet, but for others, it may be to seek support, leave that unhealthy relationship, take a look in the mirror, tell someone how you really feel, etc. Whatever your challenge, just know that until you address it, it will always be a challenge. As with hypothyroidism, if unaddressed, the symptoms can manifest into something untreatable.
This morning while doing my workout in the heat, I was reminded that if I don’t do it, who will. So weight, I am coming to conquer you too!
Yours truly
Tina
